I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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