1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
