it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
