I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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