i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
