Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
