My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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