I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
