So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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