: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
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