doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You dont lie about slip and slides
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
