we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
