why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
