We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
