Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize