I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
