Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Randomize
