you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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