are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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