For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
