Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
