rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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