i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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