I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
