we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
