Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
