so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
