Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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