I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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