and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
