i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
