U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
