So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
