The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
