she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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