what day is it and did you see me today?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
