I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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