@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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