Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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