Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
