when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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