I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
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Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
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I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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