i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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