Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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