p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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