im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
