so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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