so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Sex in the backyard? Check.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
