he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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