Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
