mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
