chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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