3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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