I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
