At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
