Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
