It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
this hospital has no fireball
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
