I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
