I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
