Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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