I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
