I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
